Often as I pray on my bed, my words feel like they refuse to travel far. In these times, I am quick to take out my journal and write my thoughts to God there. Here, I have tried to express myself through a short story. Don’t interpret everything too literally, but read it for what it is and enjoy. Many thanks for reading!

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Dad.

You always told me never to go out on the lake alone. Not that I would want to. No solitude could prove superiority over father and child sharing hearts as one on a boat for two. And as the last of the sun’s light conquered the clouds and poured its life onto the glistening water, so our company seemed to disperse the darkness in the world around us.

It was perfect, wasn’t it? As we basked in the waning warmth of twilight, I could almost believe that no one had ever hurt or abandoned us before – foolish, I know. There just wasn’t anything that could possibly bring the former things to mind.

The carp would splash ’round about us, but we never took them from their homes. You and I knew full well the feeling. No, we neither fished nor endeavoured to speak much; it was as if our thoughts were already transcribed on the sky above for the other to see. I preferred to hear that low tune you would whistle until the stars came out. It was no merry tune, but you, the maestro, could nearly put me to sleep with it. Every so often you would stop, only to open your lips and softly sing:

Love stays, and oh, it never goes.
Though pressing in the wind blows.

Death’s to feel as eyes ‘r to see,
yet here in my arms you’ll ever be.

Who were you singing for? Unbeknown to me, did an weeping angel watch from behind a fiery star, longing to hold you again? Such a thought brings me pain. What if, as I carelessly soaked in the newly birthed starlight, you wrestled with the pain of a dark past? Let it not be so.

Of course, I wouldn’t stay a small child forever. Soon our old boat would allow me only to sit up in it, and I would take an oar as well. I’ll always remember the night you stopped singing that sweet song. Cold clouds quickly blanketed the startled stars; it saddened you. Yes, that night I saw a tear run down your lonesome face.

I was perhaps old enough to put an arm around you and comfort you, but I couldn’t. Our intimacy had never expressed itself in the finger’s touch, nor in the whisper of a word. My part was to silently bear that burden – whatever is was – right alongside you. So I did.

The nights would only grow shorter, and the clouds would only grow thicker. Even the fish began to prefer the lake’s deep reaches. I began to sing my own song in my heart, but it was not yours of love and embrace. Suppose that’s how life works. Joy may overcome the poor man while anguish besets the rich. Likewise, the fog began to settle where it was not expected.

Maybe you did feel pain. Maybe you had been betrayed more times than I ever had. But what could have possibly caused you to leave me? I knew something was wrong when you rowed away from the shore that one October evening without me. My only option was to cover myself in blankets and wait on the shore for you. But to awake the next morning to a vacant boat drifting far out in the water… why?

You should have said something. You were always a man of silence and serenity, but was it worth this? Was it worth the torture of our very souls? Know this, that there came a time when I could no longer understand what was on your mind. Tormented, I would long for you to open your lips and give me a shred of hope.

No, I don’t think you’re gone forever. Death’s to feel as eyes ‘r to see, yet here in my arms you’ll ever be. Father, I feel alone, but I do not lose hope. And though I can’t feel your presence, I do not doubt your love for me. I may feel fatherless at times, but that doesn’t make me an orphan.

Dad, you wouldn’t guess what happened the other night. I was out on the lake at midnight; the breeze seemed to carry that beautiful tune you used to whistle. I was looking at the stars – yes, there were many, just like when I was small – and I think I saw that angel you would sing to! I only got a mere glimpse, but… it was beautiful beyond words. It reminded me of you, know. Which makes me wonder… could it have been you?

Dad?

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