A man’s quest for good in the world must be fueled by his hatred for the evil inside him.

Twelve months ago, I was doing drugs and partying. I remember my 17th birthday 365 days ago. Without telling my mom where I was going, I walked for two hours up onto the reserve to smoke weed for the day. This was my life. It was falling apart; I would think about dying, although I wouldn’t say it ever got to the point where I “contemplated suicide.” Still, I was not on good terms with myself or God.

Then everything changed. A couple weeks later, I went with a new fried to Teen Challenge. (I’ve posted about that experience here.) I came away changed completely; my heart was more surrendered to God than it had ever been.

What does this have to do with my quote? Reflecting on my life a year ago, I’m presented with two feelings. On the one hand, I’m overwhelmed with how much I’ve changed. I thank God for saving me when I was the least deserving of all. However, on the other hand, I am presented with grief. I am still far too sinful by anyone’s standard. Fighting the battle all year, I have only had little success.

In stark contrast to this feeling, God seems to be speaking to me about joining YWAM when I graduate. The thought seems crazy to me. Shouldn’t missionaries be a little more… sanctified? Besides, I’m too shy to confront the guy behind the till about a fly in my coffee. All in all, I feel inadequate.

But I would love to follow God into the missionary field. I want others to be saved by my Lord as I was. It’s strange: I want to spread the Good News, yet I’m too occupied with loathing the sin in my life. This is where that one liner came up. Honestly, I think it may become my mission statement. I will fight, in Jesus’ Name, against the powers of darkness in this world. I will fight because I know first hand the filthy sickness that plagues a person’s heart… and I want to see people set free.

Struggling along side all you Saints, who are guaranteed total victory in the end.

The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you all.

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